Two Heads are Better Then One
by born4purple
Summary: There has been a potions accident that makes people combine with the heads of other people's bodies. Hilarity ensues
1. Potions

**Two Heads are Better than One**

**Chapter One: The Potion**

"Ahh, so I see another failed potion by the famous Harry Potter." Severus Snape, the potions master said with an evil sneer. "Could you perhaps be trying to make my head explode with the disgusting smells emitting from your cauldron? Well let us just test this potion out shall we, hmm?"

"_Potterus Potions Revolution_!" Snape said bellowing the words. All of a sudden there was a giant explosion and a great cloud of smoke. When the smoke cleared everyone gasped. Peoples heads had randomly (_or so it seemed to them_) collided together.

"Oh no how will I ever go on my date tonight with this idiot attached to my neck?!" Snape asked the class as a fat tear oozed down the side of his face.

"Hey who are you calling an idiot?" asked the voice of none other then Ron Weasley. "For your information I have a date tonight too."

_There were gasps from the Ron/Hermione shippers and thoughts of "It better be with Hermione." _

"You think you have trouble, just take a look to who I'm attached to." Said the voice of Hermione Granger.

Ron turned around and saw that none other then LORD VOLDEMORT!!!

No, no it is too early to introduce him. _(Or is it?) _Hermione Granger was actually attached to A MONKEY HEAD!!!_ (For real)_

"What the heck is this thing?" Demanded Draco Malfoy; voted _Witch Weekly's Best Smile_ three years in a row.

"This thing happens to be Ginny Weasley," said, Oh My God, none other then Ginny Weasley.

_Could this possibly be a Draco/Ginny ship the readers thought allowed. _

"Over my dead body," yelled a girl who was attached to the neck of Harry Potter. "I was supposed to be with Draco, Hermione was supposed to be with Ron, Ginny and Harry were supposed to be in the same body, and Snape was supposed to be attached to a monkey butt, not a monkey head!"

"I thought I was attached to a monkey butt?" Snape said smiling maliciously at Ron.

"Hello what about the plot line. _Silencio_." Hermione said while silencing the shrieking monkey.

"Oh right the plot line um well lets just fast forward to the common room." The new mysterious girl said. "By the way my name is Sara and everyone in the story should call me by it from henceforth."

"No, I want to talk to Dumbledore about this." Snape said looking down at them all over his large beaky nose. "Come now to his office all of you."

"Sugar bogies," Snape said to the gargoyle guarding Dumbledore's office. "Up the stairs with you lot."

Just then they heard screechy sounds that could only be described as elevator music. "Oh, no not elevator music!" they all screamed at the same time while awkwardly covering their ears.

"I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world.  
Life in plastic, it's fantastic.  
You can brush my hair, undress me  
everywhere.  
Imagination, life is your creation.  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!

"Why don't you like it?" Dumbledore asked from behind his desk. There were huge stacks of paper and globes everywhere. "I find it quite catchy actually" he said humming the tune under his breath. "I'm just looking where I should retire my old bones," he said from behind a giant map of the world. "Ah yes this looks good, my bed." Just then a bed appeared out of nowhere with the words 'Sleep Soundly Dumbykins' carved in the front, "Very well then good night all."

"Professor, wait!" Sara said running over to him.

"Yes Sara? Or should I say Harry? I know what you want. You want a solution. Well it just so happens that I planned this whole thing out."

"Really?" asked Sara confused. "I thought I was the author."

"No my dear Sara, or is it Harry, you are merely a puppet in my theater of cruelty, for I am really Lord Voldemort's . . . cousin Drol Tromedlov!"

"Oh no, not the second most evil wizard to walk the crust of this Earth!" everyone screamed running to the corner. That is everyone but our brave heroine/hero, Sara/Harry.

"Yes I am the second most evil wizard in the world, but soon I will be number one!"

"He's number one! He's number one!" Said a group of people in the corner with signs and matching clothes."

"Who are they?" Ron asked stupidly.

"They are my personal cheering section," he said matter of factly.

"What is your evil plan Drol Tromedlov?" She/He asked bravely.

"Why should I tell you?" He asked

"Because that's what all evil villains do to add to the suspense of the story."

"Well if you must know, I plan to murder you, the author, and then take over the story myself and making sure that I win by the end of this story, Mwhahahaha!"

"Oh what is this?" the real Dumbledore said waking form his slumber and stifling a yawn. "Who might you be?"

"I am soon to be the most evil man in the universe." Drol Tromedlov said with a wicked smile readying his wand.

"But you can't kill them today; it will end the story to abruptly." Dumbledore said reasonably.

"Oh no you've found my one to weakness, logic. We will meet again mark my words!" Drol Tromedlov screamed as he disappeared in a cloud of orange smoke.

"That was a close one Professor, good thing you knew logic better that one over there." Hermione said pointing to Sara/Harry.

"Hey," She/He shouted.

"Ah yes well let's try to solve this problem. Now you shall each have your own common rooms and this is a spell to make a person momentarily blind while showering," Dumbledore said passing strips of paper with words on them. "Also all of you will need new names. Let's see, Ron/Professor Snape you are now Professor Ron and you will continue to teach potions and receive notes from your friends. Ginny/Draco you will be called Drinco. Hermione you can keep your name if you wish or be called Hermonkey. And Sara/Harry you can be called Sharra. Is everyone clear on the situation? Good you may proceed to your common rooms. I need to speak with Sharra privately though."

After everyone but Sharra had left the room Dumbledore turned to Sharra and began talking to them, "Now you must realize that you are in very grave danger. You must always be on guard and be aware of your surroundings. I have faith in you that you will be the heroes of the story." Dumbledore said gravely.

"But Professor with a wizard that powerful how will we defeat him?" Sharra asked nervously.

"Don't forget Sharra that you have one thing that Drol Tromedlov doesn't have. You have logic and as long as you have that and your bravery you will surely be able to beat him." Dumbledore said smiling at them. "You have what this story doesn't have; logic."


	2. Proffesor Ron's Date

"Will you shut up?!" Snape said trying to hit Ron but finding it hard to tease his hair and hit Ron at the same time hard.

"I don't know why you don't cancel the date now." The minute the ugly hag sees you like this she'll scream and run away." Ron said trying to fluff his hair out which was hard considering he only had use of one arm.

"She'll like me you'll see and the moment you see her you'll be sorry you weren't as handsome as me to be able to woo such a girl."

---

In the other rooms people were having the same trouble. Every time Ginny tried to use the momentary blindness spell Draco would rebel it with a Shield Charm.

---

Hermione was getting sick of all the bananas her other head was eating.

---

Harry was feeling really depressed when he found out that he wasn't the center of attention in this story.

"Look I'm sorry you aren't the star but it would be too tragic for you later on in the story." Sara tried to explain to Harry.

"Fine but if I go down I'm taking you with me." Harry said sulking like a two year old.

---

Now back to the main purpose of this chapter, Professor Ron's date.

"How do I look?" Ron asked nervously checking his hair in the mirror for the fifty-eighth time.

"Who cares?" Snape asked bobbing up and down. "I'm so exited I could die!"

As they left the building people couldn't help but stare at the Professor they hated and the red headed boy that most knew as The-Boy-Who-Lived's best friend.

Have fun Professor Ron," Ginny said waving teasing them and blowing kisses. Draco was trying not to smirk.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor Weasley. And I saw that Draco ten from Slytherin as well." Snape said trying to regain dignity. "Just because I'm attached to an idiot doesn't mean I'm not your Professor anymore."

"Hey, do I get to take off points because I'm attached to you?" Ron asked rather thickly.

"Don't be stupid, Dumbledore would never allow it." Snape said being a pompous fool again.

"The author would." Ron said stubbornly.

"Would not," Snape said like a two year old

"Would too," Ron said being just as stubborn

"Would not," Snape bellowed his normally pale face, livid with anger.

"Oh nice comeback. My dead great-aunt Muriel could do better; and she's dead." Ron retorted.

"No really, I figured when you said 'dead great-aunt Muriel' you meant she was on vacation. And furthermore ten points from Gryffindor for arguing with me." Snape said sarcastically.

Then everyone gasped as the great point holders started to shift points. Instead of taking points from Gryffindor it took points from Slytherin.

"What happened?" Snape asked furiously.

"Well, probably because I'm attached to _your_ body it took points away from _you_." Ron said intelligently.

_Did he just say something intelligent? The readers thought._

"_Did I just say something intelligent?" Ron thought._

"Did you just say something intelligent?" Snape asked looking surprised at Ron. "Oh no, were late for a very important date. We needed to meet Britney at the new night club at eight and now it's 8:10. When do we need to meet your date?"

"Well, er, um," Ron stuttered trying to think of something to say. "Oh fine I made her up okay!"

"I knew it. Normally I'd taunt you but I need to get to Hogsmade XXX quick.

"Hogsmade XXX? Let's go," Ron said excitedly remembering what Fred and George had told him about the strip club.

When they got to Hogsmade the date was waiting impatiently outside. She was a tall shapely blonde who looked as if she had been in many beauty pageants.

"Wow how did you get a girl like that?" Ron asked trying to mop up his drool.

"Well for a smart, handsome, deliciously yummy creature like me it was simple child's play." Snape said curling his upper lip trying to make himself look handsome.

"So you found her on the internet?" Ron said.

"Yes I did but tell anyone and you die." Snape said menacingly.

"I guess parents are right. You do meet weirdoes online." Ron said looking straight at the camera with a serious look. "And always eat your vegetables."

"Oh Severus you're even better then I imagined." Britney said in a high squeaky voice.

"What is she blind?" Ron mumbled.

"Hey I heard that," Snape growled.

"Well yeah I said it right next to your ear." Ron said logically.

"_Ron isn't supposed to be smart," a brave reader said aloud. "He's supposed to be clueless. That's why he's so lovable."_

"That's right," Ron said agreeing with the reader, "Hey wait a minute…"

"Don't tell me that you realized that you agreed with being stupid." Snape said looking at Ron with some hope. "Maybe we can salvage some of your brain."

"Huh, no, I was going to say that Britney's hair isn't real but now that you mention it…"

"Yes," everyone said, looking at Ron expectantly.

"…I see it is real and I apologize for my previous comment." Ron finished with a self satisfied smile as everyone rolled their eyes.

"Hey lets go into the club now Severus," Britney said oblivious to the conversation. "Oh look karaoke, sing me a song." She said squeakily as they sat down inside the club.

"What ever you desire my love." Snape said taking the microphone.

"What will it be?" the DJ asked.

"Track 3 please."

"No but that takes two people," Ron said gulping down his Butterbeer.

"Yes and if you don't sing with me I'll make sure you'll be suspended. "Hit it Denis!"

All of a sudden Snape turned around and was dressed in a sequined pink mini skirt that showed off his long hairy legs and a matching tube top that showed the hair on his underarms. He had a beer belly and a belly button that stuck out. His hair was died Barbie doll blonde and his bat-like face was covered in blush and hot pink eye shadow.

"Hey I don't get a costume?" Ron asked thickly, forgetting he had no body to wear a costume on.

"Here have a hat." Snape said as the music to Barbie Girl started. "Sing," Snape hissed.

"Uh… Hey Barbie," Ron said in a deep voice.

"Hi Ken," Snape replied in a high, squeaky voice.

"You wanna go for a ride?"

"Sure Ken!"

"Jump in."

"I'm a barbie girl, in the barbie world," Snape slowly sang.

"It's like nails on a chalkboard," someone screamed out.

"No it's a banshee," said someone else.

"**Life** in plastic, it's fantastic. You can brush **my **hair,undress me everywhere. Imagination life is **your** creation."

"Come on barbie lets go party." Ron said getting into the song. Professor Ron began doing horrible dance moves as everyone fled the room in horror.

"**I'm **a barbie girl **in** a barbie world. **Life** in plastic, it's fantastic." And the song continued like a never ending torture session. The only person left standing in the room was Britney who was oblivious to everyone running madly from the scene.

"Oh Severus, that was just wonderful!" Britney squawked as they walked out of the now empty night club.

"Well yes I've always thought that I had a certain talent for singing," Snape said pompously as the walked down the street towards The Three Broomsticks.

Ron was looking around and noticed that Britney's image in the polished glass was different. "Hey wait a minute your not Britney your—"

"Yes that's right I'm Drol Tromedlov!" He said interrupting Ron in misstatement.

"You know it's very rude to interrupt," Ron said oblivious that the second most evil wizard in the world was pointing a wand at his throat.

"Oh will you shut up and get to the fight scene already!" Snape yelled impatiently. He did have more important things to do then be a puppet in some weird author's story. _(Hey I'm not that weird!) _

"Your right," Drol said smiling wickedly as he pointed his wand at Professor Ron's heart. "Avada Kedavra!"

Ron blinked stupidly as the spell hit him and Snape rolled his eyes bored because he wasn't a key character in the scene.

"That kills you," Drol said like a small child. "You're supposed to be dead now!"

"Nuh-uh," Ron said stamping his foot like a toddler. "I have on my special Power Ranger deflector bracelet." He said holding up his wrist to reveal the plastic toy."

"Drat," Drol said. "Well I have my Ninja Turtle Battle Bracelet and that beats your Power Ranger bracelet."

"It does not!"

"Does too!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

"CAN WE GET BACK TO THE STORY?" Snape yelled.

"Oh right," Drol Tromedlov said shaking his head. "And now I, Drol Tromedlov, the second most powerful wizard of all time, shall kill you!" Drol said dramatically. He waved his wand but nothing happened. He tried again but harmless purple sparks flew out. On the third try a female voice sounded.

"I'm sorry, but your wand is out of battery life; automatic shutdown commencing in five…four…three…two…one." The voice rang out as the wand became lifeless.

"I knew I should have put it on vibrate!" Drol said angrily as he shook the wand.

"Here, let me see." Snape said offering a large, pale hand.

Drol placed his wand in it. "How dumb are the people in this story?" Snape said as he snapped the wand in two and ran for the gate.

"I will get you Professor Ron!!!" Drol yelled after the retreating form of Professor Ron. "Some day, maybe not tomorrow, or the next day, or in a week, but SOMEDAY!"


End file.
